Today I feel vulnerable and weak. Everything I do, everything I say, I feel comes from a place of inferiority. I’ve been noticing my thoughts and my feelings. I’ve come to realize that today no matter what I do or say, I feel weak. I feel the need for reassurance and for someone to tell me nice things.
This is mostly evident when I talk to close friends. I love being sarcastic and making fun of close friends. However at times like today, every time I talk to a friend, and joke with them or say something, I get an overwhelming feeling that I’m being too much. That I’m being a burden or a pushover. That I’m being a source of annoyance. Some instances I feel like that even without joking, but simply by just saying “Hey”. I get a sensation that they don’t have time for me, or that they are rolling their eyes as soon as they see a notification with my name on it. Don’t get me wrong, this is way before they have had a chance to reply. This sensation has nothing to do with what they make me feel, it happens as soon as I think about contacting someone or as soon as I press send. Even if someone initiated contact, I feel that they have to do it because they’re being nice, or out of necessity. I also feel like I need to be sending very short replies, because even though they initiated contact, I’m wasting their time or being an annoyance to them. I keep on wanting to fish for compliments or anything that might be a source of reassurance for me that they indeed like me or are enjoying my presence. Again, all these feelings are based on nothing they have done or are doing. it’s just so overwhelming and strong that sometimes I can’t easily disregard them.
The worst thing is I know that these thoughts are irrational. That these thoughts are not real. And that on any other day, may not even have occured to me. It’s just that today I can’t help but feel like shit, whatever I do and say. I do treat them as unsubstantiated thoughts because that’s what they are. But just the fact that I know what they are doesn’t mean that they don’t leave a mark. They still cause great intense emotional distress and sometimes regrettable actions later on. The actions I’m talking about may be that I come off as too emotional and needy. Nothing wrong with being emotional, but by “too emotional” I mean the other end of the spectrum of being emotional. The unhealthy, annoying, and downright untolerable irrational aspect of being emotional. It’s these actions that you can’t but regret days later. That’s how the cycle goes. Thoughts cause feelings. Feelings cause actions. Actions cause thoughts….
I know that I need to cut the cycle, and I’m doing that, but the intense feelings are part of the process and there’s no escape from going through that route. I’m grateful I’m aware of exactly what I’m feeling as that really helps in the therapeutic process. But again I stress that even though I’m going through therapy, intense emotions and insecurities don’t disappear suddenly. It’s a process that takes time and actually gets worse before it gets better.
That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.