A Suicide Note

DO NOT GET ALARMED this is not mine. It’s not a cry for help nor attention. This is just something a person with very intense suicidal ideation was going through, put down in writing and wanted to anonymously share with others. I just wanted people to know through this person’s words what it feels to go through extreme internal conflict and that people who commit suicide or think about it are people in real pain and suffering and are not selfish. They don’t want to end their life, they just want to end the pain.

I’m sorry, but it’s becoming unbearable to live.

To Mom and Dad, I’m really sorry. The only thought that kept me from doing anything is thinking about you two. You were amazing support for me, and by doing this I feel like I have let you down, again. Please don’t think of me any less. I was never a selfish person but this is more than I can take. I’m sorry, but I love you.

My brain feels like TV static and my mind is scattered. My face is turning white, and my forehead is flooding with sweat. My chest hurts, and it’s becoming harder to breathe. My abdomen is clutched and my stomach feels like emptying what’s inside even though nothing is. My legs are shivering. My whole body is cold and warm at the same time. All I can feel is a very strong force behind my rib cage that wants to burst my chest and explode. As I’m writing this I’m pausing every few minutes to dry the tears from my eyes so I can see. 

I have been trying in the past few days to make amends with every person I know, and mostly people I have had a bit of a quarrel with. I have reached out to absolutely anybody who’s anybody. I have talked to people I haven’t talked to in years. I checked up on them, and apologized for any misunderstanding, and wanted to let things go. I hate having anyone mad at me. And I would like to be remembered in a positive light. So for anyone reading this, if we still had a rough patch between us, I would like to genuinely apologize. Whatever I did or happened, I’m really sorry for.

I don’t want anyone to think of me any less. I don’t want anyone to lay the blame on me, my family, or my closest friends. Just try to understand where I’m coming from and what I am going through.

I’m sorry, but I’m really sad and scared.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I love you.

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