I’m my own Bully

I don’t like how I treat myself a lot of the times. I mean what I do to my self mentally and emotionally. It’s borderline abuse.

I consider myself to be mentally and emotionally abusive towards my own self. Let me explain to you a bit how. Let’s consider the scenario where an event has just occurred. After that event occurs, this is when my demons are let loose. I start thinking, overthinking, and obsessing about that event. I start blaming myself. I start berating myself. I start criticizing myself in the harshest ways possible.

I go back in time and go over what went on. I go over every word. I review every action. I dissect every single minute detail to the level of exhaustion. I then start thinking of alternate ways I should have reacted, or different words I should have used. I also try to imagine myself as if I were an external party. And to me that person I’m looking at is a pathetic, under prepared, weak, and mainly unworthy entity.

Not only do I go backwards in time to when the event happened, but I also project absurd thoughts and conclusions into the future. And it hurts. It’s exhausting and it hurts. I tend to be convinced that because my performance was lacking or sub-par, that similar opportunities will never come my way in the future. This gives me a sensation of being punched in the stomach, and a personal view of my own self as unworthy. I feel like I let everyone involved down, even though no one involved (if other parties are involved) has complained or showed the slightest hint of what I’m blaming myself for. I’m my own harshest critic, and no matter what praises I hear from anyone, I never believe it, and am never convinced it’s true.

However – and yes there is a “however” to this whole situation – I do see the error of my ways. I tend to realize that most if not all of what I considered to be true, wasn’t. And all that berating and beating myself up was simply unfounded. But this “however” comes days, weeks, or even months after said event has been done and concluded. Then and only then I notice the error of my ways, and that I was too harsh and unfair to my own self. And what’s worse is that when I am in the middle of being harsh on myself, I KNOW that at some point in the future I’m going to look back and realize I was wrong for berating and blaming myself. But in the moment it’s too hard to feel that things, at some point in the future, are going to get better. But they are. And it’s hard to believe that things will be easier. But they will.

All I can say now, is I’m ready and prepared for the next time myself decides to go into battle with itself. Until then…

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.

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