DO NOT GET ALARMED this is not mine. It’s not a cry for help nor attention. This is just something a person with very intense suicidal ideation was going through, put down in writing and wanted to anonymously share with others. I just wanted people to know through this person’s words what it feels to go through extreme internal conflict and that people who commit suicide or think about it are people in real pain and suffering and are not selfish. They don’t want to end their life, they just want to end the pain.

I’m sorry, but it’s becoming unbearable to live.

To Mom and Dad, I’m really sorry. The only thought that kept me from doing anything is thinking about you two. You were amazing support for me, and by doing this I feel like I have let you down, again. Please don’t think of me any less. I was never a selfish person but this is more than I can take. I’m sorry, but I love you.

My brain feels like TV static and my mind is scattered. My face is turning white, and my forehead is flooding with sweat. My chest hurts, and it’s becoming harder to breathe. My abdomen is clutched and my stomach feels like emptying what’s inside even though nothing is. My legs are shivering. My whole body is cold and warm at the same time. All I can feel is a very strong force behind my rib cage that wants to burst my chest and explode. As I’m writing this I’m pausing every few minutes to dry the tears from my eyes so I can see. 

I have been trying in the past few days to make amends with every person I know, and mostly people I have had a bit of a quarrel with. I have reached out to absolutely anybody who’s anybody. I have talked to people I haven’t talked to in years. I checked up on them, and apologized for any misunderstanding, and wanted to let things go. I hate having anyone mad at me. And I would like to be remembered in a positive light. So for anyone reading this, if we still had a rough patch between us, I would like to genuinely apologize. Whatever I did or happened, I’m really sorry for.

I don’t want anyone to think of me any less. I don’t want anyone to lay the blame on me, my family, or my closest friends. Just try to understand where I’m coming from and what I am going through.

I’m sorry, but I’m really sad and scared.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I love you.

Today I feel vulnerable and weak. Everything I do, everything I say, I feel comes from a place of inferiority. I’ve been noticing my thoughts and my feelings. I’ve come to realize that today no matter what I do or say, I feel weak. I feel the need for reassurance and for someone to tell me nice things.

This is mostly evident when I talk to close friends. I love being sarcastic and making fun of close friends. However at times like today, every time I talk to a friend, and joke with them or say something, I get an overwhelming feeling that I’m being too much. That I’m being a burden or a pushover. That I’m being a source of annoyance. Some instances I feel like that even without joking, but simply by just saying “Hey”. I get a sensation that they don’t have time for me, or that they are rolling their eyes as soon as they see a notification with my name on it. Don’t get me wrong, this is way before they have had a chance to reply. This sensation has nothing to do with what they make me feel, it happens as soon as I think about contacting someone or as soon as I press send. Even if someone initiated contact, I feel that they have to do it because they’re being nice, or out of necessity. I also feel like I need to be sending very short replies, because even though they initiated contact, I’m wasting their time or being an annoyance to them. I keep on wanting to fish for compliments or anything that might be a source of reassurance for me that they indeed like me or are enjoying my presence. Again, all these feelings are based on nothing they have done or are doing. it’s just so overwhelming and strong that sometimes I can’t easily disregard them.

The worst thing is I know that these thoughts are irrational. That these thoughts are not real. And that on any other day, may not even have occured to me. It’s just that today I can’t help but feel like shit, whatever I do and say. I do treat them as unsubstantiated thoughts because that’s what they are. But just the fact that I know what they are doesn’t mean that they don’t leave a mark. They still cause great intense emotional distress and sometimes regrettable actions later on. The actions I’m talking about may be that I come off as too emotional and needy. Nothing wrong with being emotional, but by “too emotional” I mean the other end of the spectrum of being emotional. The unhealthy, annoying, and downright untolerable irrational aspect of being emotional. It’s these actions that you can’t but regret days later. That’s how the cycle goes. Thoughts cause feelings. Feelings cause actions. Actions cause thoughts….

I know that I need to cut the cycle, and I’m doing that, but the intense feelings are part of the process and there’s no escape from going through that route. I’m grateful I’m aware of exactly what I’m feeling as that really helps in the therapeutic process. But again I stress that even though I’m going through therapy, intense emotions and insecurities don’t disappear suddenly. It’s a process that takes time and actually gets worse before it gets better.

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.

I don’t like how I treat myself a lot of the times. I mean what I do to my self mentally and emotionally. It’s borderline abuse.

I consider myself to be mentally and emotionally abusive towards my own self. Let me explain to you a bit how. Let’s consider the scenario where an event has just occurred. After that event occurs, this is when my demons are let loose. I start thinking, overthinking, and obsessing about that event. I start blaming myself. I start berating myself. I start criticizing myself in the harshest ways possible.

I go back in time and go over what went on. I go over every word. I review every action. I dissect every single minute detail to the level of exhaustion. I then start thinking of alternate ways I should have reacted, or different words I should have used. I also try to imagine myself as if I were an external party. And to me that person I’m looking at is a pathetic, under prepared, weak, and mainly unworthy entity.

Not only do I go backwards in time to when the event happened, but I also project absurd thoughts and conclusions into the future. And it hurts. It’s exhausting and it hurts. I tend to be convinced that because my performance was lacking or sub-par, that similar opportunities will never come my way in the future. This gives me a sensation of being punched in the stomach, and a personal view of my own self as unworthy. I feel like I let everyone involved down, even though no one involved (if other parties are involved) has complained or showed the slightest hint of what I’m blaming myself for. I’m my own harshest critic, and no matter what praises I hear from anyone, I never believe it, and am never convinced it’s true.

However – and yes there is a “however” to this whole situation – I do see the error of my ways. I tend to realize that most if not all of what I considered to be true, wasn’t. And all that berating and beating myself up was simply unfounded. But this “however” comes days, weeks, or even months after said event has been done and concluded. Then and only then I notice the error of my ways, and that I was too harsh and unfair to my own self. And what’s worse is that when I am in the middle of being harsh on myself, I KNOW that at some point in the future I’m going to look back and realize I was wrong for berating and blaming myself. But in the moment it’s too hard to feel that things, at some point in the future, are going to get better. But they are. And it’s hard to believe that things will be easier. But they will.

All I can say now, is I’m ready and prepared for the next time myself decides to go into battle with itself. Until then…

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.

Who doesn’t overthink when they put their head on their pillow. I know only one living person who does that (and that being not overthinking, so by “does” it means he “does doesn’t overthink”…..I think I’m overthinking this!); it literally takes him seconds from the time he lays in bed to the time he starts snoring; I have shared a bed with that individual. Our relationship was purely platonic. However I am of the belief that many – if not most – tend to get several ideas as well as think of many thoughts when they lay down to get forty winks.

Another thing that happens is you get your best ideas when you’re horizontal and your head is fondling a pillow. Amazing ideas just happen to bombard you as you become the most intelligent and creative person since you the night before. And here is where it happens. The biggest lie we tell ourselves: “I don’t have to take note of this amazing idea now, I’ll do it first thing when I wake up.” Well, the only thing that you do remember when you wake up is that you had had an amazing idea. What the content of that splendid idea was, no one will ever know.

This past paragraph is an amazing example of tangential thoughts that occur in my head. These tangents also happen when I need to sleep. However going back to overthinking and not going to sleep, I present to you the next paragraph.

For me counting sheep doesn’t help. I only get obsessed with sheep and start thinking about them. I try to direct my thought but several times these thoughts take a detour and go back to being intrusive and obsessive in nature. Other times they just detour into normal thoughts that don’t come to me except when I freaking want to sleep. The following is my brain activity at 5:28 am on Saturday the 27th of the Ember month Dec.

“I dislike social norms. I have been thinking, why is it that kids get gifts on Christmas.” I started thinking of a future situation where I had kids of my own (I will be having ten kids and only keeping my favorite three). I thought I can simply not let that norm dictate my life. I can simply not get them presents on Christmas. Then i started thinking about society, mainly their friends at school and other parents. Other parents abiding by these norms will ruin it for me and make me look bad in front of my kids as well as myself. My not getting gifts isn’t out of parsimony (I love big words and I cannot lie) or not loving my children. I have a very logical explanation as why not to get my kids presents on Christmas. As a kid I have been a victim of several social norms (note that victim here doesn’t have to be in the negative sense). Each year I got gifts and toys and things I wanted. As I grew older this ruined Christmas for me. It stopped being about the essence of the holiday. It stopped being about the family, music, lights, decorations, and all festive non-material events that occur. I stopped getting that beautiful, cozy, warm, fuzzy emotion I used to get on the ride home from school at the start of the two week vacation.

This past paragraph should not have happened. What should have happened instead is this whole post not existing and me being in an amazing state of sleep.

Anyway, I’m writing this post as I have my head on a pillow and trying to sleep. At the same time I have noticed how hard it is to type like that. Wait! I have just got an amazing idea on how to solve this problem. All you have to do is…….OH MY GOD….here we go again!

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.

 

My parents used to be great. They still are, but they used to too (Mitch Hedberg was a genius). They gave me what I needed and more. And they didn’t give me what I thought I needed but didn’t know that I didn’t (reread it so you understand). They never went overboard and spoiled the shit out of me. They offered me an amazing childhood. So amazing that I actually would love to go back and stay there. Did they punish me? Hell yes. Did I deserve it? I’m going to say most probably yes too. At the age I am right now, if I had a kid like me, I would definitely put him up for adoption. Or give him to mom to raise him and take him back when he reaches the age of 42 and he no longer snickers when I show him an image of boobs.

I’ve never had any traumatic experiences during my childhood, unless you consider what happened to Mufasa and Bambi’s mom. Oh and that one episode of Tom and Jerry about heaven and hell. Dear lord it scared the shit out of me, and I remember I was constipated that day.

But I do remember some anxious moments from my childhood. One of the things I remember is when my parents used to leave the house. At first I’d go through nothing. But once I get a thought that they are late, I start obsessing about them being in an accident, and I would stand by the window and cry. You might say that that is normal behavior for a child. Not really though! I can say it was stronger than a normal kid’s reaction, even though I’ve never knew how normal felt like. But just recently, I tapped back into that pain, and it felt eerily similar to a very intense bout of depression. The pain back then was intensely abnormal. So only when I grew up and realized what OCD and depression were and are, and how sucky they make you feel, that I realized that as a kid, I was almost feeling something similar. I wasn’t scared to be left home alone. Only when that thought of my parents dying and me spending the rest of my life alone, that that intense feeling would come over me like a car speeding through a deep puddle while you’re walking on the sidewalk.

Another thought I used to get was eating a piece of food before the other, or blowing on my hair in a certain number of times.

There was also this one Thursday afternoon. Mom and I were going to buy a toy as our school wanted us to get a toy so they can give it to kids who were less fortunate. I remember holding her hand and walking by her on the sidewalk, and all I could feel was a gloomy grey feeling. I felt like I was wrapped in a tight space that didn’t feel nice at all.
Other times I do remember I used to cry myself to sleep. Sometimes my thoughts were just nostalgic reminiscence of things that happen in my life. I was no older than 5 or 6 years old. Sometimes I would also cry and feel guilty about toys I had. Other times I used to cry myself to sleep convincing myself that I had no friends and nobody loved me.
These feelings never lingered for long periods of time. They used to just pop up like those unwanted sex sites whenever you’re browsing the internet.

These things never took control over my life, that’s why they never extremely or for long periods of time bothered me. But that all changed during the spring of 2006. No I didn’t hit puberty back then, that was last week. In 2006 I started feeling a shift in my mental state, and that’s when all the crap started taking over my life. But that’s another topic for another blog post.

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.

The way I like to live life is by putting things into categories. I believe in absolutes, black or white, yes or no. This made me, at several times, just take a step back from everything – inside and outside my head – and think of how to categorize the thoughts I have been getting.

I have started off with the following two categories; intrusive and non-intrusive. Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that come out of nowhere. They are involuntary. They just pop in your head. Usually unpleasant and hard to get rid off, many times, they turn into obsessions. Such thoughts don’t need any trigger (You see a red car, you think of a red car. That thought had a trigger. But if you were just sitting looking at the sea and suddenly an image of a car pops up in your mind, that wasn’t triggered). Usually intrusive thoughts tend to vary in intensity, as some may be easily dismissed while others can’t, and may evolve to obsessions. That being said, it’s easy to define the non-intrusive thoughts as thoughts we have control over; control over starting and ending them.

The second category I classified was the obsessive thoughts and non-obsessive thoughts. Differentiating between them is pretty simple: an idea that gets stuck in your brain for a period of time and you can’t but think of. When you try to get rid of it, like a boomerang, it’ll come back. And many times it comes back bigger and more intensified. Simply put, an obsession is a thought one can’t simply discard. On the other hand, non-obsessive thoughts are normal thoughts that come and go with ease and are simple for one to control.

The third category has to do with the types of feelings the thoughts trigger. I am focusing mainly on anxiety and the feeling of panic and impending doom one gets. I have split them into two; positive and negative thoughts. The words Positive and Negative aren’t adjectives of the thoughts; they don’t describe the thought and its content. Simply put, a positive thought leads to positive (good) feelings, while negative thoughts lead to negative (bad) feelings. I have come to the realization that a negative thought is any thought that triggers a negative feeling (mainly felt in the chest area) given that this thought is irrational. AND if one already knows he has OCD and/or anxiety related disorders, then any thought that triggers anxiety and panic is usually irrational disregarding how rational it seems, and that is due to the prevailing condition. In the moment, the thought could (and many times will) sound logical and rational, but if one tries to take a step back and look at it objectively, it would seem totally irrational.

I have discovered that the following sequence occurs; intrusive, then obsessive, then negative feelings.
This has allowed me to manage and get things a bit more under control. When you know, it becomes a bit easier. It’s better to battle something you are aware of.

So long story short, any thought that seems to come out of nowhere, linger in the mind for a period of time, and then cause unpleasant and distressing feelings is usually a thought that should be fought and the only way to fight it is by consciously disregarding it (time and time again, as it will start creeping in, that’s why I say consciously disregard it) and letting the negative feelings take their course without acting upon them. It’s just something that will pass. Although the feeling during this aforementioned process is excruciating, it’s the only way to improve life as with time the thoughts’ effects will decrease drastically (and I mean DRASTICALLY).

That was a piece of my mind, wishing a peace of mind to you all.